Sports Fans Resist New Cheers

The Church Back Door

Chicago, IL - Fans of the Chicago Bulls are up in arms in the Windy City as new fans try to take over their team-rooting territory. Veteran Bulls fan, Joe Strpnkshewski, spoke to the Back Door about how traditional fans are being invaded:

“We’ve got a bunch of Starbucks drinking, iPad carrying, Sperry wearing people coming into our stadium these days and they don’t know the routine. They stand when you’re supposed to sit. They sit when you’re supposed to stand. They don’t know the cheers and don’t follow along like they’re supposed to. It’s a disruption! Who every heard of a person pulling up their ‘Bulls App’ when they’re supposed to be shouting the “Go Bulls!” chant? Whoever heard of talking to your neighbor when the PA announcer is giving the player stats? These people don’t value tradition. We don’t need them here.”

The Bulls ownership is taking these complaints very seriously. A statement from the Bulls’ front office indicated that the traditional/contemporary debate among fans has had a detrimental effect on the games. Some players have even noticed that more fans seem to be focused on the style of cheering they like than on the game itself. After a powerful slam dunk in a Bulls’ last second victory last week, fans were so distracted, they didn’t even acknowledge the heroic comeback of their team.

A new fan, asking to remain anonymous, commented: “Change is inevitable. Are we there to watch a game or to find comfort in our style of cheering?”

But Strpnkshewski wouldn’t back down: “I don’t care if they have to cancel the game and shut down the stadium. I’m cheering the way I’ve always cheered--even if I have to do it in an empty arena.

The Bulls hope that doesn’t become the case.

Lutheran Church Opposes Election

The Church Back Door

November 6, 2012 - 6:25 a.m.
The president of the Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) denounced today’s election in a news conference early this morning. The Rev. Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch stated:

“I am aghast at the fact that our government is promoting election on this day--just four days before we celebrate Martin Luther’s birthday. In addition to our strong historical stance regarding predestination, our view that the government should not be involved in the free exercise of our faith must be upheld. I will be requesting congressional hearings regarding this flagrant interference of the state into matters of the church. The government has no right to declare this to be ‘election day’ before every nuance of what that really means can be sorted out.”

BREAKING NEWS 7:35 a.m.
After being informed that today’s election day has nothing to do with predestination, Rev. Stuckworsch clarified his press release statement:

“Never mind.”

Pew Maker Announces "My Worship" Modules

The Church Back Door

Thor, Iowa-- The Always Comfy Pew Company announced today that its newest line of pews, The AC VII line, will now contain “My Worship” modules. “My Worship” is a new technology that allows individual worshipers to worship in the style of their choice while sitting side by side.

Inconspicuous headphones are wirelessly connected with a small device inside each pew. The worshiper simply programs his or her worship style, favorite hymn, praise song, and worship service format into a handy keypad. When the time comes for music, each worshiper will hear his or her personal selections.

Project foreman Rusty Opus said, “After hearing how many people insist on their own worship style, we decided to meet the growing need in churches. With ‘My Worship,’ everybody can finally be happy.”

Opus hinted at the 2014 upgrade called “My Preacher,” but indicated that pastors were reluctant to allow their churches to serve as beta test sites.

LAFS Right-Sizes for Better Controls

The Church Back Door

Clarksdale, MS-- The Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) closed its convention last week with a bold move to zero in on its identity. The denomination based in Alligator, Mississippi voted to become a “synod under one roof” in order to maintain its mission and focus. The decision will “right-size” the denomination, according to Synod president, Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch. He noted:

“Since its founding, our church body has tripled in size. Our ability to maintain alignment and unity has been severely tested. As I evaluated our current situation, I felt very strongly that we should back off a bit, retool, and make sure we’re on the right track before things get out of hand.”

LAFS has grown to three churches over the past 170 years. Stuckworsch will work with church leaders to bring all operations back into the founding congregation in Alligator. This “under one roof” approach will insure sound doctrine, a better “family” feeling in the church body, and sensible efforts if anyone decides to venture outside the congregations for ministry purposes.

“We don’t want to have greater control,” Stuckworsch added, “we just want to be practical and reasonable as we encounter the realities of the church and the world.”

After the gavel fell on October 15, President Stuckworsch began a 30-day summit conference with leaders of the Northern Polar Lutheran Church.

Stuckworsch said, “The northern ice cap is shrinking. With dwindling geography, it’s important that we talk about whether or not the church can continue.”

The meetings are being held in the central location of Oahu, Hawaii.

Lutheran Denomination Shuts Down Churches for Two Years

The Church Back Door

Clarksdale, MS-- The Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) voted 3-2 in convention today to shut down churches for the next two years. The small denomination based in Alligator, Mississippi is meeting in convention through October 15.

The church shut-down was, the convention emphasized, in the interest of expanding the work of the church.

Synod president, Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch, commented:

“I was reading a theological work the other day and discovered a remarkable insight that our pastors need to understand. Because our pastors can’t make the claim to be expert theologians, the convention believed that, in the interest of the church, we close our congregations for two years, bring the pastors back to the seminary, and make sure they’re up to speed in this critical area of theological understanding.”

When asked what would happen to the churches, the LAFS President said:

“The churches will have to wait. This is a matter of utmost importance. Our administrative structure will continue, so we will still be able to receive offerings and continue our salary and benefits compensation. We do not, however, want to recklessly allow congregations or individual believers to proceed on their own. We know that it can be very dangerous to let the Scriptures fall into the hands of untrained theologians. I shudder to think of the errors in belief that might result from such carelessness.”

The LAFS convention is in the process of approving four key initiatives for the coming triennium: Organizing, Planning, Meeting, and Preparing.

“We have an exciting future ahead,” Stuckworsch noted. “We just have to make sure we get it right.”

In another development, LAFS approved the launching of a capital fund drive that will help finance the house payments of pastors while they are living at the Alligator, Mississippi Seminary campus beginning in January of 2013. The theme of the fund drive will be: “Gathering is Always Good” (GAG).

Citing the new capital fund theme initials, President Stuckworsch said, “I hope the world develops a ‘GAG’ reflex when it hears mention of our denomination!”

Lutheran Denomination Starts “Worship Tattoo” Program

The Church Back Door

Clarksdale, MS-- The Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) voted 3-2 in convention today to begin a “Worship Tattoo” program. The small denomination based in Alligator, Mississippi is meeting in convention through October 15.

The small and tasteful tattoos would be applied to the thumbs of each church member to help them navigate the new liturgical worship orders. The tattoos will serve as a “key” to worship order abbreviations and will be visible as church members hold hymnals and worship bulletins.

Synod president, Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch, commented:

Church members have been showing signs of verbal stumbling as we worship, so we wanted to help make worship more user friendly. The tattoos will be simple: If “P” and “C” are together in a worship service, the “P” will stand for Pastor and the “C” will stand for Congregation. If “P” is printed with an “L,” the “P” will stand for People and the “L” will stand for Liturgist. If a “C” is combined with the “L” and the “P,” the “C” stands for Celebrant. If and “L” appears in the context of an elder helping at worship, the “L” stands for Leader. An “A” may stand for Assistant or All, but usually All is spelled out completely. Clearly, this is a helpful tool for our worshipers. In addition, we believe the tattoos will attract more young people to our churches because tattoos are really in style these days--and we’re going to be using a cool Gothic font!

President Stuckworsch followed his comments by quickly giving an enthusiastic “thumbs up” sign to display his newly inscribed thumbs complete with gothic lettering.

In another development, the Handbell Musicians of America, debuted new Worship Key-coded Handbell Gloves at a convention display booth.

Lutheran Denomination Endorses Model T

The Church Back Door

Clarksdale, MS-- The Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) voted 3-2 in convention today to endorse the Ford Model T as the preferred mode of transportation for both clergy and laity. The small denomination based in Alligator, Mississippi is meeting in convention through October 15.

With the bold move of a recent name change, convention observers (that’s me, your diligent reporter; there really were no other observers) were shocked at what seemed to be a backward move. Synod president, Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch, commented:

"Our denomination values the legacy of time-tested transportation. The Model T was foundational in the development and growth of the automobile industry. One might say that the Model T is the 'true mode of transportation' for drivers both past and present. Recent cultural developments in the auto industry promote an 'entertainment' mentality for drivers and a lightweight approach to hitting the roads. Car communication systems, radios, and even glass windows show that drivers are watering down the truth of what an automobile was meant to be. We’re opposed to the departure from an historic approach to driving practice and spirit."

When asked about how the church members might respond to this vote--especially younger people, Stuckworsch replied:

"Three of the five delegates to the convention have operational Model Ts in their barns at the present time. One delegate is close to getting his running. We anticipate a seamless transition. We’ll also be offering classes and conferences that teach the sound conduct of Model T driving. Under the theme “Maintenance Together,” we’ll have breakout sessions on how to operate a crank start mechanism, folding window flaps quickly and efficiently, and a fun session called 'To Rumble or Not to Rumble: Facing the Rumble Seat Decision.' We believe these events will show young people that serious and true driving still exists. I have no doubt that serious and true young people will participate with joy."

After the vote, LAFS commissioned its publishing house (Alligator Press) to produce a new instructional and service manual for all Model T vehicles. It will be called the Lutheran Transportation Service Book (LTSB).