Pew Maker Announces "My Worship" Modules

The Church Back Door

Thor, Iowa-- The Always Comfy Pew Company announced today that its newest line of pews, The AC VII line, will now contain “My Worship” modules. “My Worship” is a new technology that allows individual worshipers to worship in the style of their choice while sitting side by side.

Inconspicuous headphones are wirelessly connected with a small device inside each pew. The worshiper simply programs his or her worship style, favorite hymn, praise song, and worship service format into a handy keypad. When the time comes for music, each worshiper will hear his or her personal selections.

Project foreman Rusty Opus said, “After hearing how many people insist on their own worship style, we decided to meet the growing need in churches. With ‘My Worship,’ everybody can finally be happy.”

Opus hinted at the 2014 upgrade called “My Preacher,” but indicated that pastors were reluctant to allow their churches to serve as beta test sites.

LAFS Right-Sizes for Better Controls

The Church Back Door

Clarksdale, MS-- The Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) closed its convention last week with a bold move to zero in on its identity. The denomination based in Alligator, Mississippi voted to become a “synod under one roof” in order to maintain its mission and focus. The decision will “right-size” the denomination, according to Synod president, Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch. He noted:

“Since its founding, our church body has tripled in size. Our ability to maintain alignment and unity has been severely tested. As I evaluated our current situation, I felt very strongly that we should back off a bit, retool, and make sure we’re on the right track before things get out of hand.”

LAFS has grown to three churches over the past 170 years. Stuckworsch will work with church leaders to bring all operations back into the founding congregation in Alligator. This “under one roof” approach will insure sound doctrine, a better “family” feeling in the church body, and sensible efforts if anyone decides to venture outside the congregations for ministry purposes.

“We don’t want to have greater control,” Stuckworsch added, “we just want to be practical and reasonable as we encounter the realities of the church and the world.”

After the gavel fell on October 15, President Stuckworsch began a 30-day summit conference with leaders of the Northern Polar Lutheran Church.

Stuckworsch said, “The northern ice cap is shrinking. With dwindling geography, it’s important that we talk about whether or not the church can continue.”

The meetings are being held in the central location of Oahu, Hawaii.

Lutheran Denomination Shuts Down Churches for Two Years

The Church Back Door

Clarksdale, MS-- The Lutheran but Always Friendly Synod (LAFS) voted 3-2 in convention today to shut down churches for the next two years. The small denomination based in Alligator, Mississippi is meeting in convention through October 15.

The church shut-down was, the convention emphasized, in the interest of expanding the work of the church.

Synod president, Rex P.L.W. Stuckworsch, commented:

“I was reading a theological work the other day and discovered a remarkable insight that our pastors need to understand. Because our pastors can’t make the claim to be expert theologians, the convention believed that, in the interest of the church, we close our congregations for two years, bring the pastors back to the seminary, and make sure they’re up to speed in this critical area of theological understanding.”

When asked what would happen to the churches, the LAFS President said:

“The churches will have to wait. This is a matter of utmost importance. Our administrative structure will continue, so we will still be able to receive offerings and continue our salary and benefits compensation. We do not, however, want to recklessly allow congregations or individual believers to proceed on their own. We know that it can be very dangerous to let the Scriptures fall into the hands of untrained theologians. I shudder to think of the errors in belief that might result from such carelessness.”

The LAFS convention is in the process of approving four key initiatives for the coming triennium: Organizing, Planning, Meeting, and Preparing.

“We have an exciting future ahead,” Stuckworsch noted. “We just have to make sure we get it right.”

In another development, LAFS approved the launching of a capital fund drive that will help finance the house payments of pastors while they are living at the Alligator, Mississippi Seminary campus beginning in January of 2013. The theme of the fund drive will be: “Gathering is Always Good” (GAG).

Citing the new capital fund theme initials, President Stuckworsch said, “I hope the world develops a ‘GAG’ reflex when it hears mention of our denomination!”